What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
and you fell through a lawn chair
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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