In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
