I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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