FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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