We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
