he was CRYING into my vagina
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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