the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
