How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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