There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize