he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
