mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
