Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
