brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
