y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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