watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
