Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
