it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
