i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
