I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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