I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
