Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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