dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
