dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
