i would punch a child for taco bell
pop tarts are not kleenex
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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