my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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