how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
