Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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