Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize