So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
