I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize