You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
