Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
