I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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