It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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