Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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