Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
