Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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