i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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