Dignity is for republicans.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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