screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You dont lie about slip and slides
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
