Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
