Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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