so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
