Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I accidentally burped into my bong.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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