the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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