why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
accomplished twins. life is a go
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
