I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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