Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize