I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
