If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
