I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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