I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
