I just threw up on my dentist
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
