actually, I'm a sock model
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
