Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
