I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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